the rick letter
01/15/01 ~ 9:05 pm
(don't read until after the rick story entry!)
dear rick,
so we didn't get to see each other over the break. i wanted to see you for a number of reasons. one, i miss you. i really do. we spent so much time together and then, poof! you were gone. two, i think seeing you with my eyes rather than chatting on the phone would settle some things for me. and three, i have lots of things to tell you that i wanted to tell you in person. but i guess letter format will have to do.
so why didn't we see each other? well, i didn't try that hard. you know me, it would have been expected that i would call every day working things out until they were perfect. but i let it slide. and you- you didn't even call. i guess you didn't need to see me that much. see, about four months ago, (maybe more) when i sent you that first card, you were on my mind all the time. you were in my dreams, i saw you everywhere, and i would bring your name up in a conversation that had nothing to do with you. part of me is nostalgic for the old days. back before we were a couple, when we would bicker like children. when we were a couple and didn't know what we were doing. and after, when we were friends again, and we would bicker like we were married. through it all, i loved you. now i know we tried to do the 'i love you' thing when we were dating, and we did that all too soon. and i don't think i ever was *in* love with you. but on some level, we're soulmates. somehow, we understand each other better than anyone else. and that's special. and that's a different kind of love. it's deeper and it's just about how much we care about each other. you know i would do anything for you, like drive across a few states to bail you out of jail, or come pick you up at an airport that you got stranded at (sorry, weird hypothetical situations). so four months ago, i was talking about you so much, jenn kept telling me that i am in love with you. i have thought about it a lot, and i'm not. but i sure did wonder.
i have a lot of regrets about the way things panned out for us. i think we got together at a bad time for 'us'. like i said, we didn't know what we were doing. we tried to be too grown up. i remember the time i spent the night at your house. i was scared to death. of what might happen, of what it would mean. i actually wanted to sleep with you. but i was only 16 and i wasn't ready. and i was clearheaded enough to know that then (amazing, huh?). and that's one of my biggest regrets. that i wasn't ready. i regret that we weren't each other's firsts. because we could have been, and it could have been very special.
all of this was going through my mind because of a few things. it wasn't only because i knew what had happened with you at that davis party. it wasn't because i could imagine all of the other girls that you could have been with. it was also because of me.
this is the part i *really* wanted to say in person. in june, i was at a party. one of my friends was very drunk, and i was a little tipsy, so we both spent the night at the house (in the living room). he basically propositioned me to come over and make out with him, and i was firm about my no. for the next few weeks, i pondered and then agonized over it. i was considering a purely physical relationship with him. what the hell, i thought. i was lonely and had been single for over two years. but i didn't know how to approach it. little did i know, my blabbermouth friends told him for me, and we had a 'talk'. we ended up making an agreement. it included rules on not getting emotionally attached, rules on how we could end at any time for any reason, and other provisions i don't even remember. i made them all because, just like years before, i was still scared. (and not really ready to share my body with anyone, which i have other issues about). our first night together, i lost my virginity to him. it was nice, but very odd. it was a weird relationship because all of our friends (jenn, jenny, dennis, jayme, and mike) knew exactly what was going on. the only one who didn't know was christina, his ex-girlfriend. i eventually told her we were 'dating'. to this day, she thinks we're a couple.
so, the timing with me thinking about you a lot coincides with all of this. we were both using each other and it wasn't real. i didn't even have a crush on him in any way. i was confused, and emotionally mixed up. jenn kept telling me to end it because it wasn't good for me, but i didn't want to deal with the uncomfortableness between us if i just ended it. so for a few months in the middle (like september and october) i felt like we were in a rut, i didn't go over there much, and i just wanted someone who cared rather than someone who didn't satisfy my emotionally. i wanted to run away from here, find you, and see if there was anything there.
so now we come to why i didn't try that hard to see you this holiday. these last two months with ted have been fabulous. we've gotten close emotionally and we tell each other everything. we went on a trip to seattle and canada with jenny and mike. then i practically lived at his house for two weeks after that. and then he left.
he moved to georgia to go to georgia tech. he's an electrical engineering major and that is a very good school. but it's also so very far away. i knew he was leaving since probably september, and we just assumed it would be over. we were gonna stage a breakup for the benefit of christina and his mom (who loves me and treats me like family). i was bummed i wouldn't get a new year's kiss and that thought always made me think of you. i wanted to come down to livermore and stay with you for new year's and let what would happen happen. but somehow we let ourselves both grow attached (which, as you'll remember, was against the rules. so we don't talk about it). so when new years came around, i didn't want anybody else but him.
we talk almost every day now (online mostly) and we're only getting closer. we are very open with each other and we talk about everything. i don't know what the future holds. it's almost ridiculous for me to be wasting my time because he's never coming back here. his mom moved, so even if he moves back with her after he graduates (which i hope he doesn't... i hope he gets a great job) he'll be in southern california. but yet we are both anxious to see each other again. he's coming here to see me for his spring break in march, and we're planning for me to fly out there for my spring break in april. so i may *say* that i'm not waiting for him, and i *say* that i'll date other people if the opportunity arises, but i sure have myself tied up until april.
this is probably a LOT more than you needed to know, but i wanted to get it off my chest. the times we talked on the phone, i told you about everything about my life except ned, which was the biggest part (or at least the most emotionally trying). i wanted to tell you in person because i have some crazy idea in my head that you would care. i guess you still might, as long as you still care about me. i hope that you'd want me to be happy so you would care what happens to me. well, i am happy when i talk to him and i'm happy when i'm with him and i miss him a lot.
i don't know how to wind this up. i wrote all of this for you because i know you-- you're the kind of person who is deep and will read this and ponder it and appreciate it. you won't just toss it on the floor, like so many others would. i hope you will think about it and think about me and at the very least write back. hopefully even call me because i would really love a long, deep, truthful conversation with you. i still miss you a lot. i wish you lived here so i could have shared my feelings with you the whole time i was going through this. i would have liked to have had you as my sounding board or my shoulder. as my friend.
love, holly
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