who am i?
09/09/04 ~ 1:10 p.m.
i'm having a day where i'm feeling... lost. what am i doing? with my life? with myself?
what are my passions, my dreams? where am i going?
this is an ongoing problem with me. i know things i like (people, pictures, cheesy tv shows and movies, food, dancing, cats) but i don't know how everything factors in. when it comes down to it, the only future goal that i seem to be working towards is marriage. and that's not a goal! that's just a happy side effect of a good relationship.
i got a degree in computer science. it didn't get me anywhere, and now i feel as if it didn't happen. i don't feel as if i learned the skills to apply myself in the computer field, even if there were jobs for me. and computers and their languages change so much, there's already all sorts of things i don't know. and i'm not even sure if that's what i want to do now.
but what DO i want to do? i've been toying with the idea of becoming a nutritionist. or a weight loss coach. sure, i'm not done losing yet, but i've learned a lot these past 2 years, maybe i have wisdom to pass on. i even went as far to search the websites for both the junior college and the nearby state college, but neither of them have certificate programs that could work for me.
i feel like i'm swimming, swimming, swimming, with no real end in sight. ask me what i want to do on any given day, and my answer will usally be "i don't know." i'm starting to enjoy having to do nothing - no work, no obligations. but that's not practical. nor does it fulfill me. i'm left feeling needy for something, or someone. that's usually david, and sometimes i drive him crazy.
is all i want to do in life is be with my boyfriend? that's pathetic. there must be more to me than that.
and even if do do find my true calling, there's always this thing called "money" that throws a knife in the whole thing. never in my life have i had enough money to be comfortable. i've always had bills to pay and it's always been paycheck to paycheck. i've never had the luxury of just "going back to school" and not having to work. and i won't ever get that.
i even searched the web for life coaches. that seems to be the thing nowadays. maybe they could help me - of they didn't charge so much for a fucking phone call. i mean, i know they need to earn a living too, but here i am, sinking, poor, and lost. do i have the money to pay someone to figure me out?
i guess i'll have to do it myself. have i come full circle? i wrote about this about a year and a half ago. this entry.
there are differences, but the gist is the same. luckily, there's a few changes i've made. i've moved on from livermore. i have 3 friends left there, and i rarely go to the town. so that's good. i've decided i don't want to me a website designer. so i'm not going to work on that. i'm not sure about the photographer thing either. i still want to sew clothes, i promise i'll sign up for a class at the junior college next semester. i still want to travel, but time and money still dictate that i can't.
i am so frustrated with myself. will i never move forward? i'm trying, really i am. i need more friends, i need a purpose. i need a more fulfilling life.
back 
forth
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