whew, this is long
03/27/03 ~ 1:12 p.m.
** this is a long entry that I'm afraid to post because of friends that will read it. It's about me, not you. I love all my friends and it's not your fault that I feel this way. I especially want to address this to amy. You are my longest lasting best friend for a reason, and I don't hang out with you out of obligation. **
I need to do some soul searching. I'm losing touch with myself and I don't know how to get it back. Actually, I'm not losing it, I think I lost it a while back. When asked what my interests are, or what I like to do, the answers are automatic: "music, swimming, scrapbooking, hanging out with friends." But those are the answers of the old me, the me in high school. I'm changing, yet I still pretend that's me. That was a long time ago; why do I adopt that version of me? The only answer I can come up with is that I want to have the strength of character now that I had back then.
Where is this coming from, you might ask? It's not totally out of the blue, but it's foremost on my mind right now because david and I talked about it last night. He sees me as having no drive for myself, and no purpose for living except for him. This is true - it's where I'm headed. Problem is, I don't really know where to start to fix it.
Throw myself back into music? Well, I'm a member of davis music scene right now, and it doesn't seem to be filling the void. In fact, I never have motivation to go, and I don't want to go to meetings anymore. I don't even enjoy half the bands that play. I do it out of some weird sense of obligation... it's easier to just go than to explain to a bunch of people why I didn't, and possibly let someone down.
Hang out with my friends all the time? Obviously that's not a pressing matter with me, or I'd call people more often. I can't remember the last time I picked up the phone and invited someone to hang out with me. But if someone calls me and offers, I go along with it because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Become a scrapbooking fiend? I did that last weekend to catch up, because I was over 6 months behind. I still like it, but I don't have a burning desire to do it any chance I get.
Swimming? I'm glad I'm getting back into it for the exercise and weight loss merits, but it's not something I want to rule my life or define me.
So I've tossed out the old me and her qualities, but how do I begin to build the new me? Maybe I need to REALLY toss out the old me. Quit davis music scene, stop pretending I'm a social person, quit scrapbooking and just use photo albums, tell friends that I don't want to hang out with them. That doesn't sound right. I still like the friends I have. I like my scrapbooks. As for dms - I might just quit after picnic day. It's a club, I should be enjoying myself.
I have my eye on the future and I seem to be holding out on making any changes in my life until then. I want to graduate and move - but how much will my life really change? I seem to think this light will coem shining down on me. If I don't know what I want and all I am doing is following david around, working because I need money, and living this empty life, what good is it?
I worry so much about what other people think. I sacrifice myself for the sake of others, time and time again. I know what I want - a small circle of close friends. But how could I let go of the friends I have now? I don't suddenly dislike them or anything. They're good people. So I think, I'll make new friends and get the small circle when I move. I'll be super selective. And I'll keep in touch with the friends I've accumulated over the years... but because of the distance, I won't be best friends with them. But there are some who will live a few hundred miles away and will still be close to my heart. You know who you are. But I can't just cut them off... they've done nothing wrong. And what kind of an explanation is "I need less friends" or " I'm finding myself".
[I don't like working on myself. It's hard and painful. and long.]
There are things I've always wanted to do in my life that I've never pursued. There are things I always say I'll do when I'm out of school. Those are the things I need to focus on. I made a list/chart type thing in excel... listing things I want to do, the obstacles, and what I can do now.
I want to read for fun more... but I don't know WHAT I want to read. I don't want to read famous books or famous authors per se, I want to read something enjoyable. I put Vonnegut on my list - I like his writing. I'm reading me talk pretty one day by david sedaris, so next I want to move on to naked. I don't know where to go from there. I need suggestions for books to read. I want books that will make me feel enlightened, yet are light and fun reading. No crime and punishment or tale of two cities for me, please. Can you help me out? Put them here.
I want to be a website designer. I know basic HTML, I can copy/paste and change things, but I need to know more. I need to learn style sheets, java script, etc. So I need to set my mind to it and teach myself these things. I have a HTML book, and there is tons of info on the web.
I want to be a photographer. I love taking pictures, but I don't know what I'm doing. I know nothing about light and shutter speeds and all that. I don't have a good camera and I don't have the money for one, but that shouldn't stop me from starting. I can take books out from the library and I can look up stuff online.
I've always wanted to learn to sew clothes. I don't have a sewing machine, and I'd like to take a class (but I can't afford it) so I've never tried before. But I bet I could borrow my mom's old machine and take books out of the library.
I want to travel. This is one thing that has never wavered. David even mentioned that he knows that's one thing I want to do. I can't do much about that right now, I can't afford it. I won't give up, though. When I get my career-type job, I will save money. So will david. We will take road trips so I can see the U.S. - I have a goal to see all 50 states in my lifetime.
What else do I need to do? I need to move on from my past. I pretend I have all these ties to Livermore... I don't see those people that much. The people I knew in high school aren't a part of who I am today. When i see them at random times, like new year's for example, we don't reconnect. I don't know them anymore, they don't know me. What good is it to try and be important to them? What is this need I have to be important to everyone?
Ahhh, a quote. "you always try to be everything to everyone." Everclear rings true again. Why can't I get it through my thick skull that you can't please everyone all the time? You can only hope to please some of the people some of the time. I KNOW this, why can't I DO this?
The key is working on it. Actively, not just saying I'm going to work on it. When I find myself with free time, I should pursue one of these things. I should lay down with a book, or do a HTML tutorial. What I do now is get bored and want david to hang out with me. I expect him to entertain me. I get clingy and needy - which isn't the real me! It's the bored, unmotivated me.
This is a lot to think about, and I'm certainly living up to my diary's title (holly's rambles). I don't feel like I've made real conclusions or any real steps forward, but I've brainstormed some ways to get started.
hopefully by the time i've reached my goal weight, i will have made over my inside as well, and i can really be a whole new person.
back 
forth
* check the cast page for details about this person!
