excuse me while i don a thinking cap and grab a tissue
06/06/03 ~ 8:52 a.m.
(for my friday five answers, click here)
there has been a lot of deep thinking going on. deep thinking that leads to deep
discussions. i'm thinking that it's been brought on by our impending
graduations.
(current countdown: 1 day of classes, 1 quiz, 4 finals. that's all that's
left!!)
david wrote an entry on living up to one's potential. about how no one does.
about how his idea of what a univeristy was about was wrong, and that the
so-called "best of the best" are just slackers and cheaters. and of course it
prompted me to ask the question, "do i live up to my potential?"
his reponse? "few people do." that's true. but i should try anyways, shouldn't
i?
our discussion triggered a memory that i don't often share with people. in fact,
it brought some tears to my eyes when i told david. it seems to prove that i
don't believe in myself as much as i should, and that i don't realize when other
people believe in me.
in high school, i was on a year-round swim team. i swam perhaps 20 hours a week.
i was the slowest swimmer in my group, i never won races, but i just swam for
myself. i didn't have a ton of friends on the team, because it just wasn't
'cool' to hang out with 'the slow, fat chick.' i was still nice to everyone, and
most people were at least cordial, to my face.
after i'd been on the team about a year and a half, the annual awards ceremony
was held. at the last minute, i decided not to go. i wasn't going to win
anything anyways, i wasn't the fastest swimmer or even the most improved. so i
bailed.
that evening, one of my teammates showed up at my door with the award i had won
- one of the two biggest of the night. it was a memorial award, a spirit award.
(i'm choking up right now). it was one of those awards you keep for a year, and
then it goes to the next winner. your name stays on the plaque forever.
i won the fucking SPIRIT award, and i wasn't there to accept it. because i
didn't believe in myself. because i didn't care enough about my teammates to
cheer them on, like anyone who is worthy of the spirit award would do.
of course when i went to practice on monday, i told my coach some lie about why
i couldn't make it, because i couldn't admit to them that i just didn't want to
go. i've regetted not being there to accept that award probably more than
anything in my whole life.
but i digress. where was i? potential. yes....living up to my full potential,
however great that may be, isn't in the cards right now. but how about living my
life to the fullest at the moment? i mean, i must have potential, because
other people can see it in me. but what is it, and how can i see it myself? what
i need to do is to work toward that goal, toward being the best i am destined to
be.
how do i do that?
i know i don't want to be president. or a world leader. that would be a horrible
thing for me -- i'd screw it up royally and repeat all the mistakes i never
learned about in my history classes. so that's not part of my potential.
i don't want to win a nobel prize. i mean, sure, it comes with a shitload of
money, and money is good, but really, a nobel prize isn't something i'm after. i
don't want to research things or invent things.
i don't want to be famous. not a famous actress or model or athlete or singer or
even newscaster. which is good, cuz i'm not super thin, pretty, or athletic, and
i have a terrible voice.
my life's goal is not to produce offspring and carry on my genes, either. i feel
no burning desire to do that, i don't need to be a mother. it's not my potential
to create something as important as a new person.
but in this list of things, i don't see *what* my potential is, only what it's
not. so i revert back to "finding myself" and remember the things i want to do.
i want to read more. i want to get better at html. i want to sew. i want to
travel to many countries. but those aren't "life goals." my potential is not a
certain number of books i've read or countries i've set foot in.
is my only life's goal to make money and live comfortably? am i already caught
in the dreary cycle of working to make ends meet? is there nothing more for me?
i want to think there's more.
but for the time being, i just want to make the best of the situation. sure, i
may be working to make my life comfortable, but i want to love my job. i want to
feel like i have a purpose, that i'm important to someone or something,
career-wise.
i also want to be the best person i can be, inside and out. while i'm working
this job, i want to be healthy and fit. i want to be knowledgeable, open minded,
well-read, and wordly.
so it DOES fit in with my little goals. if i read and travel and continue to
better myself, i am living up to a least a part of my potential. that's got to
count for something.
i'm working toward them already, one step at a time. for example:
i've lost 45 pounds - i'm a lot healther and fitter than i was 8 months ago.
i've compiled a list of books to read -- and a visit to borders is scheduled as
a present to myself when i finish my first final this saturday.
i've streched my html knowledge in working on my new layout, david's layout, and
amy's layout modifications. next
step is writing these things from scratch.
writing this has cheered me up, because i realize that i'm trying. that i'm
still growing as a person, and i'm 'getting better all the time.'
if you made it this far, thanks for reading. this entry addressed things that
are very important to me, and i'm glad i could share them with you.
~holly~
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* check the cast page for details about this person!
