sadness and clarification
02/12/02 ~ 11:41 a.m.
i have sad news. it could end up going good or bad, but it's all up in the air right now. heather told me today that her and travers have been thinking about moving in together. now what this could eventually mean is uncertain. first, they're going to discuss it with their parents and see how they'd react. second, there's me. heather said she'd feel really bad if they left me without a roommate. so i suggested that if the point wasn't for them to have their OWN place, that i could totally live with travers too. then the possibilites are: we could stay here, or we could all move somewhere bigger. but this could be good cuz that would make everything cheaper, having 3 roommates, and i know i'd get along with him cuz he's always here anyways. which is why it makes sense for them to live together.
all of this isn't going to happen until sept., but it's something we all need to sit down and talk about. i hope i don't have to find another roommate! i'll never get one as good.
this next part is a clarification. monica left me a note in my guestbook, expressing confusion with the whole adam thing... and what about ned??? so i figure a bunch of you have the same question. it's kinda tricky to explain, so this is how i told her:
monica: did i miss something?
monica: i was like.. ned.. adam.. whoa!
Gonzo93: ok, so.... you know that ned and i are like, "casual" kinda?
Gonzo93: not headed for marriage, etc.
monica: yeah, i remember you telling me that. but i thought it was still like a serious relationship..
Gonzo93: well... not "serious" but for right now, i call him my boyfriend
monica: okay.. yeah, i follow that. but you have a crush on adam?
Gonzo93: but i always insist that i have my eyes open
Gonzo93: so i met this guy, a friend of travers, named adam and i have an itty-bitty crush on him. but the thing is, i don't really KNOW him
Gonzo93: he seems like an interesting person, that i'd like to get to know
Gonzo93: so that's what i want to do. hang out with him, get to know him, etc.
monica: i get it now!
Gonzo93: yeah. so cuz it is stemming from a "crush", heather keeps teasing me about it
monica: do you know if ned does the same thing?
Gonzo93: no, he's never dated anyone else
monica: but it won't be like you're dating yet..
Gonzo93: BUT we have an understanding that if one of us was to break it off for someone else it's not a big deal
monica: do you love him?
Gonzo93: it's a tough question, and i'm pretty sure the answer is "i love him, but i'm not in love with him"
Gonzo93: see, as much as i like him and i treasure the time we spend together, there are definitely things about him that i couldn't live with for the rest of my life. and i'm not going to change him
monica: oh yeah.. so then yay for the crush on adam!
Gonzo93: exactly. but i'm kinda shy about pursuing him cuz i don't want to come on too strong =)
monica: totally!
monica: i know what you mean. couldn't you just hang with him and a mutual friend?
Gonzo93: yes! cuz he's travers' friend =)
Gonzo93: i feel a little guilty because i haven't told ned *yet*
Gonzo93: cuz it's not anything yet
monica: definitely.. do you think he'd react okay to it if it did turn into anything?
Gonzo93: but we're going to be honest so if i do go "out" on a "date" with him i will tell ned
Gonzo93: yes, i think he'd be fine
monica: that's so good.
Gonzo93: cuz i know we'd still see each other, we'd just stop with the cuddling/sleeping together thing
monica: yeah, you'd still be friends?
Gonzo93: totally
monica: :-) that's a good relationship with him you have
Gonzo93: it is, it's just not love
monica: do you wish it were?
Gonzo93: not so much. i kinda wish i could make him fall in love with me, just cuz then i'd feel special and loved, but he's not the right guy for me for the rest of my life
monica: yeah.. but if you don't see yourself marrying him.
monica: totally.
Gonzo93: some people would say i'm wasting my time with him, but if i'm happy in the moment, and i have my eyes open and i'm not closing myself off to possibilties, i don't see any harm done
monica: yeah.. it takes different people you know?
monica: like, i couldn't do that, but i'm goal oriented and my relationship needs to be long-term.
monica: but that's me.
Gonzo93: yeah. i'm happy with the comfort ned brings me for now =)
monica: that's so good. :-)
so, if you all followed that, it's a pretty good summary of how things are with ned and i, and how our relationship works. yes, it's not normal, but since we're happy, it can't be bad, right? RIGHT!!!
and that's the end of this long, long, long entry. i'll let you all know how it goes tonight with the basketball game and adam!
~holly~
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