i think i need help but i don't know from who. myself, i guess.
10/02/01 ~ 10:59 a.m.
you guys are all lucky i'm not having a bunch of nervous breakdowns. (just a couple now and then when you're not looking). i'm stressed but i pretend not to notice. i'm ignoring my own signs. i continue life as usual, keeping all of my events equally weighed in importance. meaning, dawson's creek night is as important as class. lunch is as important as the court forms. but all that stuff is more important than *me*.
i'm tired. i went to bed at 10:30 and rose at 5:45 in order to leave town at 6:15, to make it to work at 7. i feel like shit at work. i feel inferior, like i've been demoted and the other assistant has all the power. i feel unproductive and unneeded; i feel that everything i touch i manage to mess up. i finally brought it to my bosses attention this morning, and wouldn't you know it? i ended up crying. it's all too much. financial problems, court issues, friend problems, school starting, etc... it's piled up. i try so hard... to make my friendships work, to not spend too much money, to pretend my dad doesn't hurt me, to pretend my classes are easy. my boss even said, "the things you are dealing with, no 20 year old should have been through this yet. no 40 year old should!"
i know my problems aren't the end of the world. i know people have it 10 times worse. i know that other people have other problems, not necessarily better or worse, just different. i've managed to get myself where i am, and i think i've done a pretty good job. i have a good job that pays adequately for my age, i moved out and am living independent of my mother, i'm taking classes at the college i always wanted to go to, and i know i'm pretty smart. but i just feel like i'm drowning. i'm worried i won't be able to pay rent after a few months because who knows what's going on with financial aid. like hell i'll ever get money out of my dad. i'm worried that my car will die at any second. i'm worried that i won't do well in my classes because of all the other stuff going on. i'm worried i won't be able to be a good friend because i'm usually such a rock but i'm turning into a sponge. and i'm soaking up water and sinking to the bottom.
i wanted to be funny in this entry. i was going to entertain you all with the story of how justin managed to clog my toilet on sunday, when he came over to borrow my shower. i was going to tell you the funny (yet irritating) story of how i managed to not pull the cord and stop at my bus stop, so i rode the bus around for an hour till it got to my stop again. but for some reason, they seem like the distant past and altogether not amusing.
i think i need to sleep in a dark cave for a little while. i just hope that when i come out of hibernation, i haven't lost everything that *is* important to me.
~holly~
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