sad holly
06/15/04 ~ 1:15 p.m.
i'm a big mess. last night i had some sort of emotional breakdown. i started feeling all depressed about things that were really insignificant in the big picture (feeling less independant financially than i'd like, etc). i tried to talk about them with david but it ended up bringing him down a bit. we talked for a long while and he did everything he could to cheer me up, brought popsicles and cuddled with me. but it wasn't working. i was sort of in limbo - down and bummed but unable to do anything about it.
eventually he started to fall asleep, as it was after 10, and i was frustrated that he hadn't been able to "fix me" yet. and i couldn't sleep. so i sort of blew up at him, enough to really upset him. seeing him so upset finally set me off in a crying fit. it was good for me to get it out, but i felt like a huge fool. i don't usually act like this, or i haven't since i stopped taking celexa almost 2 years ago. it worried me a little, but david doesn't think there's anything wrong with me, he just kept saying i was just "having a day." he also hypothisized that i've cut back too much on sugar in my diet, at least the healthy sugars in fruits. he believes in "brain sugar." i promised to add them back in to test it out.
today i still feel a bit down, but mostly it's because i feel like a bad girlfriend. i don't want to be too difficult, too crazy, or too hard for david to handle. he hugged me this morning while i tried to apologize for being stupid and cried on his shoulder yet again. i don't knowwhere it all came from - most days we cruise through, wrapped up in our love and just happy as clams. we don't argue, we hang out together, and we enjoy each other. i don't know why i had to mess stuff up last night. i'm just a crazy girl, i guess. can i blame it on hormones?
i guess i'm lucky in that even a messy episode like this didn't ruin the relationship or the bond we have. he still loves me, the silly boy. he still held me and told me it will all be ok. tonight he has plans with his friends, so i will enjoy the time to myself to get things around the house cleaned up, and also do some things to make myself happy. hopefully i can get all the way out of this funk. and soon.
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