i love my dreams
05/28/01 ~ 10:25 p.m.
ok, first thing is... i've done something with my second diaryland name!! yay! it's called nowayout and it's a dream diary. i dream ALL the time, often remember it, and i have tons written down. so i will document my new dreams, and also try to post all my old ones. go there. sign it's guestbook too! but don't make fun of my designing skills. at least it's not a template!
second... the date. blah. i feel so bad. micheal was a very nice guy and i just wasn't ready to date. i think i tried to force the issue with my silly ad. i mean, sure, if some great guy comes along, my pining for ned isn't going to stop what happens. but i don't want anyone but him right now. still. so, the date. he picked me up, we went to see bridget jones' diary (which was cute but didn't kick ass) and then we were headed to mini golf. i wasn't being fun, happy, or anything like my normal self. all the questions he asked me reminded me of ned. the movies reminded me of ned. so i sat there, on a date, thinking of ned the whole time. so i told him what i was thinking about and then i said i wasn't in the mood to go golfing and had him take me home. i felt awful. i must have apologized 80 million times. and it was his birthday too! i'm such a bitch.
so i came home, called brooke and carly, called ned (he wasn't there), and called ned's mom. i talked to her for awhile. she agreed to bring ned home on his break in august. yay! (jenny and mike-- great america, here we come!!!) she also told me that ned told her, "i just don't want to tie her down for two years. i certainly don't want any girls out here. but i do have my school to worry about." i thought that was great. she undersatnds that we're just trying to make the smart choice but that we both still care. she loves me with him and told me tons of times how good i am for him, that i make him laugh and don't stress him out and that i'm not too clingy. so i started watching fight club (which of course was to remind me of ned) and signed online. ned eventually appeared, i signed off and called him. we talked for almost 2 hours. god i want him here SO much. and he was all whispery and saying great things like how beautiful i am and how much he misses me and how he wants to hang all over me. i told him all about the date and why i made the guy take me home and all that. he was touched. i mean, i want to be a realist here, so i'm not saying we're going to wait for each other and get married and all that. but i do sense a glimmer of hope that, at least at the moment, we both don't want anyone else. there's just the matter of 2100 miles in the way.
jeffy thinks i should go to a party and shag some random guy to get myself over the hurdle. maybe i *am* just hung up on my first... ya think? (btw: "shag" is from watching BJ's diary. ha ha, BJ. anyways. i'm tired. blah.)
there must have been something else i needed to talk about today. yada yada yada, carly's new boyfriend's pretty cool, i went to swim lessons, yada yada, i still don't know about my car, i helped my boss's brother with his computer and made $60, plus he's giving me a vaccuum cleaner, yada yada, swing got cancelled so i'm going out to vacaville to dance tomorrow with justin, i wish i was at the tom petty concert too, and yeah. that's all. i'm sleeeepy. time to dream. (full circle!) anyways.
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