news i didn't want to hear
03/31/04 ~ 8:44 p.m.
wah.
that's my emotions, really. just wah.
because the orthopedic doctor took about .03674 seconds to wiggle my leg and proclaim "your ACL is GONE" (because of a sports injury in may 2002) and another 5 seconds to let me know i need surgery.
fuck. fuckity-fuckfuck.
i could *not* have the surgery. but every day i even walk on it, it's getting worse. but how about the days where i run on the treadmill or do squats? (both activities currently banned by said doctor.) what if i want to go on a fun trip with my friends to the snow and someone wants to go SKIING? i can't! in fact, i've been bugging david to take me ice skating, and i can't do that either.
as my knee is right now, it will give way and make me almost fall any time any sideways pressure is put on it. if i do the almost-fall, it hurts. it can also hurt when i do any sort of high-impact activity. in october, i nearly couldn't walk for a week after taking a step aerobics class. i had to wear a straight leg immobilizer to WORK.
so, it's obvious i can't keep pretending it's fine and making it worse. i NEED to do this. but i don't want to for three reasons:
1) physical therapy. post-surgery, i will need therapy 3 times a week but i won't be able to drive. i can only hope that david's mom is willing.
2) work. i've had this steady job for 3 months now and i want to waltz in and claim i need 6 weeks disability? i mean, yeah, i'll get paid for it, but it just looks BAD.
3) sloth and gluttony. when i am home recovering post-surgery, what will i do? i will have fun watching movies for about 2 days, then i will get lonely, bored, and i will EAT. and i won't be able to exercise to burn off the calories. i guess since i'm concious of this fact, i can make an effort not to do it, but.. hello. i know myself. and i DON'T want to gain back these 64 pounds. i still have more to lose!
i am depressed over this. i have to think about it, get an MRI, meet the physical therapist, and draw the whole procedure out as long as i possibly can so as to not piss my work off.
will you all visit me when i'm home by myself, lonely, bored, and getting fat?
back 
forth
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