somebody's crying...
05/26/01 ~ 11:45 p.m.
some people use this thing to be therapeutic. i think that's great. i'm going to try it out.
so, most of the time i seem very stable. i'm a very together person, i have all my ducks in a row. sure, i have bad luck when it comes to cars, i never have enough money, and i don't have anyone to love, but i have my future in line. and i am determined to stick to it, no matter what it takes. i am such a "together" person, i never cry. in fact, i brag about this certain point in my personality. i am SO proud of my ability to hold it all in. ("i keep it all, keep it all inside..." ~everclear, sick and tired). i boast about the time that i impressed ned when i was pissed rather than crying at my 7th flat tire. i use the times that i *do* cry to show when i'm really upset. maybe it's all a cover-up of a cover-up? ok, so... besides the last month, i can probably count the last 10 times i've cried. (not in order)
1. ned leaving, dec. 2000
2. my car died in the middle of the road during a week so important at the office that i was cutting class to work, oct. 2000
3. the first time i got in a big accident and they almost totaled my car, june 2000
4. evil jennie (not spoken of in this diary yet) betrayed me, oct. 1999
5. my mom wigged out on my on my birthday, dec. 2000
6. the first time greg and carly had a big fight and i drove her to the bowling alley and greg told me to tell her he didn't want to talk to her ever, sometime in 2000 (p.s. i was tired as all hell, too)
7. i felt like i was in a downward spiral because of my dad and amy didn't notice and i sent her an email with the lyrics of pale green stars, sometime in 1997
8. my fist and best cat tigger died of aids, sometime in 1999
9. rick told me he was moving to washington, summer of 1997 (p.s. which was a crock of shit, like usual)
10. i vaguely remember crying while watching beaches when i was very young, like 8 years old.
see, all noteworthy events. and very few witnesses to these crying episodes. now let's count this month.
1. seeing my dad, may 20th
2. my car breaks down and my mom yells at me about financial stuff, may 22nd
3. i was thinking about ned (albeit X-rated thoughts) and started crying out of nowhere, 10 minutes ago
i'm going soft.
where was i headed with all this? god only knows. i can take two angles now- 1. how much i miss ned and that it goes deeper than i even understand or 2. how pathetic i am in being proud that i display no emotion. let's go with both, in that order.
i am in this frame of mind: "i hope my date on monday thinks i'm ugly and doesn't want to see me again". i shouldn't be going out at all like this. maybe i need more "me" time. but i've had YEARS of me time!!! i'm a good person, and i can be a fantastic fucking girlfriend. so, i am going to go out with all the guys who seem cool off the personals, try to have as much fun as possible, and maybe move on. even though i don't want to.
my patheticness. do i think i am some fabulous fucking wise old owl? i guess i'm just afraid to show weakness. if i was ghetto, they might refer to me as 'hard'. i feel like i am at a dead end with this. i was trying to get everything all written down so that i could be my own therapist along the way. it didn't work. any advice, please??
i leave you all with a poem i wrote a long time ago. i'm not a writer, nor a poet. this was written at approximately the same time i cried over amy and the PGS lyrics (see #7 in the first list).tears fall
they ease the heart
as if with each tear pain leaves
each drop contains
the deepest woes,
the most heartfelt passions
escaping into the cold air
out in the open
they float like mist
so cry your heart out
because then it can be filled
*sigh*
~holly~
back 
forth
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