i want to leave my mark
05/22/03 ~ 4:20 p.m.
i just realized that i hadnt changed my layout in over 2 years. that's a LONG time to stick with one, huh? wow. we'll see how long this one lasts.
ok, now for the real entry.
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i wonder sometimes if anyone else has morbid thoughts like i do. i take
hypothetical situations and imagine them to the fullest extent. and they're
usually not happy.
for example, this morning, as i was driving to work on the freeway, the car
in front of me abruptly slammed on its brakes, and i followed suit. we only
slowed to about 25 mph, and i was still a good 3 car lengths behind them.
so there was no real danger; i was paying attention, everything was fine.
but my thoughts started churning.
if i hit someone on the freeway at this speed if they just stopped, is
that my fault? what if i couldn't avoid it?
the car would be totalled. would insurance cover it? david would be so mad at me.
but what if i got really hurt? he couldn't be mad then. he'd just be glad i was alive, he wouldn't care about the car. he could always get a new one. but he couldn't get a new me.
what if i was in the hospital? i couldn't take my finals, finish my
classes, graduate.
would david be so upset he couldn't take his finals either? or would he
pass all his classes and leave me behind? would he move away and i'd have
to take all my classes over again?
couldn't they just give me the grades i'd already earned and waive the
finals? haven't i worked hard enough? i almost died in a car accident!
throw me a bone, people.
i don't know where these thoughts come from. they're sick. twisted. why do
i imagine impossible scenarios, and then try to figure out what the worst
case would be? why would i think that david would "leave me behind"? he
wouldn't "leave", he'd still be there for me. i'd finish my classes, it
would all work out.
but every time i have one of these scary thinking episodes, i come out of
it thinking about how fragile life is. how the simple act of driving to
work, on a normal tuesday, could bring on the end of a life if i'm not
careful. even if *i'm* careful, someone else might not be. i put my life in
so many other people's hands, all day, every day.
but this train of thought is leading me to my thoughts on dying, which
inevitably leads me to a state of panic.
i'm terrified of death. i have not come to peace with it, and probably will
not for many, many years.
just the thought of the world going on, and on, and on, forever, without
me... it freaks me out. and i try to reassure myself that maybe
reincarnation is possible, but even if it is, i don't remember my past
life, so i won't remember this life. i won't remember me.
this time, instead of going into total panic, i'm thinking that i really
need to figure out a way to pass my memory on. make sure that other people
remember me. write a famous book, do something important, make a
difference. hopefully, i have most of a lifetime to figure out what that
thing will be.
back 
forth
* check the cast page for details about this person!
