realizations
04/11/03 ~ 11:09 a.m.
i know i just posted my friday five, but i have other things on my mind. click previous if you want to see my answers.
so, last night was another night of talking and crying. well, not so much another, as two nights ago there was not much talking. so we talked about what happened, the causes, how to avoid it happening again, etc, etc.
but right as david was falling asleep, i was telling him a story about what my life was like before he knew me. i was talking about sierra college and taking classes there. and i noticed a differece:
i had confidence.
i was smart and i did well in my classes and i knew it. i was proud of myself. i learned to program on my own, no one helped me. we had no partners, i didn't lean on anyone. but when i came to uc davis, that got shattered. all of a sudden, i knew nothing. everyone in my class either knew what they were doing or could bullshit better than i. i started relying on lab partners to pull me through, and wouldn't try to understand because i figured i wouldn't be able to. it sitll happens. i want ot get out because it make me feel worthless.
also, before i knew david, i worked at a pension company. i started out as a lowly scanner, worked up to being in charge of the copy room, learned the whole phone system, and eventually got promoted to an administrative assistant. i was needed, the tasks i did every day were essential. if i called in sick, it was a scramble to cover me. from there, i moved on to a brokerage firm. i was always so busy there, i even took work home. everything i did was important to my boss and the company. but now? i work as an intern for the county, adn they don't even need me. they hired me because the government gave them money and told them to "help out a student." you'd think someone would enjoy sitting around doing nothing and getting paid. but my self-worth is dwindling down to nothing. i could stop coming in, no one would notice. i feel worthless.
so the big conclusion? the reason for the tears?
i realized that the only thing in my life not making me feel worthless is david.
this is why i cling to him, lean on him, and am having trouble being independant. everything in my life that is my independant doing -- sending myself to school, having a job -- is crap right now.
so now what? school is almost over. i'm feeling ok, and i can ride it out for a few more months. work -- i am dong what i can. i keep asking for work to do, i am trying to be useful. i need the job, and i will make it work.
when we move, i will get a new job. it may take a few tries, but i WILL NOT SETTLE for any place that i am not happy at. i will look for another job while i bide my time at the first place that hires me. my self importance is vital to my life, and i am #1, not these places of employment.
i will do these things on my own and make myself feel needed.. and then i won't need david to be my everything.
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