you want emotion? you got it.
02/25/03 ~ 7:47 p.m.
(ok, whichever jen signed my book.. here's what you were waiting for.)
i am such a basket case sometimes. workout-wise, i did awesome. kickboxing made me sweat and pant, it was good. calorie-wise, i was on plan today. perfectly in my range. but full-wise, i ate a little too much for dinner.
it's lucky i have a puke phobia, and a strong sense of being healthy. cuz the thought of purging my dinner has totally crossed my mind like fifty times. don't worry, i won't do it.
i just get all stressed. i feel like i'm at the end of my rope always. sometimes i climb a little back up, but i never make it to fully recharged. it's always right back at the end, complete with ropeburn.
there's school (5 classes is TOO MANY), work (i'll rant about it later), and i'm working so hard at this weightloss. tomorrow is weigh-in. david says i get all crazy like this every tuesday. his other theory is that the celexa wears off after 3 days, today being the 4th. i take it on saturday and wednesday.
i don't want to be dependent on the chemicals. but i hate bursting into tears. and i don't like being dependant on david either. when i lean on him too much, he breaks. he's my rock... but i can't be a sledgehammer. luckily, i dropped him off at school. he tried to help me, told me that i need to relax, and went to work on hs program. i cried in the car for a bit, and then came home.
i want to call friends... but i want to be alone at the same time. i wouldn't know who to call, none of my friends are in the same place and i don't want to be a sob story. so i opted for the aloneness, and i'm watching friends reruns in my room. laughter is the best medicine. (i almost called my dear sue, cuz she knows what its like to be stressed and at the end of her rope all the time. she's taking too many classes, too. but i decided i really wanted to be alone. nothing personal, sue. i'll cry to you some other time, promise.)
i am just hoping that tomorrow's weigh in is actually good, so that it will cheer me up. i don't know if i can take a big failure in the morning.
back 
forth
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