pain
09/11/02 ~ 10:53 a.m.
weird that today is a historical day. i'm not wearing red, white and blue. there is no mood on campus like at kiki's school. it didn't hit here as close as it did for her and jenn. no one near me seems to be as passionate as annie. i'm just glad that there was no repeat performance today.
thank you for the guestbook advice some of you left me. i'm better, but not really. i cried myself to sleep in david's arms. i missed work. we didn't work out. depression's a bitch.
i want deperately to explain, to work things out. i want her to understand me, and me to understand her.
i DO see her point of view. i see that she doesn't want me to move too fast and lose the guy i love. i know she thinks this isn't a wise choice for me. i know it's because she cares about me.
but there's something more. mixed in with the concern, there's anger, there's jealousy. that's always in the air. and it hurts.
if it's a mistake, then sure, i'm making the mistake. but i can learn better from my mistakes then hers, right? and what i really meant by "i'm not you" is so literal. i'm not her. i'm ME. i'm not dating the same guy that she was. things are different in this situation.
it's not a cut down. there was no implied meaning that tacked on "i'm better than you" or "i don't make mistakes like you" or "you're stupid" to the end. it was a simple observation. but, obviously, she heard these things that i don't mean.
she's hurting inside and she has open wounds if this was able to put salt in them. she needs time to lick those wounds and heal, and then i guess she'll deal with me. but i am a pushover. i'm the person who apologizes profusely when i didn't do anything wrong. i don't stand up to people. tom petty's "i won't back down" should be my anti-anthum. we'll see when the time comes, but who wants to bet it'll be me begging for her friendship?
it's like loving someone who doesn't love you back. my friendship had never been begged for by anyone. i give it away freely. does this mean it's cheap, or not worth it? i hope not.
i *do* have friends. i was reminded of this fact my the abnormally large amount of people who came by my house yesterday. there was jeffy of course, justin's car died and he showed up on my doorstep, krystal stopped by, david and jeannine were there, and brooke and robert came over for dinner. it brightened my spirits, it really did.
on a quick switch of subject, my final went ok. it just happened. i have one more tomorrow. this afternoon, jeffy, david, and i are going to my grandma's house -- she's giving david a computer desk. david is currently moving stuff out of his place and into mine. this weekend, it's escape time. david and i are spending time together, taking a trip and hiding out. we need rest.
i don't know where to end this, but i'm through, i guess. nothing more to say.
~holly~
back 
forth
* check the cast page for details about this person!
