the little green monster
03/08/01 ~ 8:49 am
argh. i never wanted to be a jealous person. and i think to most extents, i am not. but when it comes to the specific ex-girlfriend that i am so often referring to, i can't shake the nasty feeling. and it sucks. cuz it doesn't make ned reassure me that i am so much better than she. his version of that is the occasional "you have nothing to worry about", sometimes the "you should know me better than that", and, most often, the "stop being dumb and acting like a girl or i'm going to remove my cuddly arms from around you and get dressed". (that version is mostly implied by the grouchiness that it is accompanied by). i don't like making him mad everytime i get grouchy, but she just gets under my skin. and although i try to hide it, it's very obvious when my natural, happy disposition is a fake, happy disposition. but yesterday, she paged me to get ahold of him, and let me know that she would have to work today so she couldn't hang with him as originally planned. yay! but i called him at noon, and told him to call her. she still wanted to hang out tonight. he told me he was going to see if she could hang out yesterday night. but she couldn't. carly was there bugging ned when i got home from work, but she finally left and ned and i began to engage in the activity we do best. the phone rings. he asks if we should answer it, i say no, assuming it would be carly bugging us again. later, he checks the message and it was sam, needing directions. how glad am i that i didn't answer the phone? talk about a way to ruin the mood. i ask why she would need directions if i would be home after work, ready to take him to the meeting thing we're going to. he says, cuz she's coming over at 10. i say, she got the day off? and he says, no she's taking me with her to work. wtf? fine, bitch. anyways, so i call to give directions and get a little paranoid over it, and make her promise to bring him back to the hotel when i get off work (to accentuate that fact, i left the hotel key with him). otherwise, i'd have to go meet them somewhere after my long day of work. i act a little cold when i get off the phone, and ned, frustrated with me, says something like, "well why would you want us to meet you back here, in a hotel room? where there's a bed?" grrrrr. i guess i kinda deserved it, but it was still an ouch. so i tell him, that's not what i'm worried about. he says, then what is wrong? i tell him that i don't feel as special to him as her, and he tells me that he's spending his spring break with me, not her. that he's here with me, not her. and i guess that's the best that he can manage, being a guy. he just doesn't get that it's the emotions i am more concerned with than the physical. that comes after. if he was to sleep with her, than obviously, the emotional part is shot. but even without sex, emotionally, she can hurt me. and that's a pain i'd like to do without.
~holly~
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