break out your tissues and your thinking caps
01/28/02 ~ 10:54 p.m.
this was all written in my notebook while i was at school today. it'll probably depress me again typing it up, but i wrote it for all of you.
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friendship is the most important thing in life. some may say love, but love is friendship and all friendship is based on some kind of love, on varying levels. some may say family, but again, your friends are family and i hope your family can sometimes be a friend.
i value all of my friends highly. but that said, friendship is a lot of work. it's tricky work too. i have friends who are high maintenance. i have friends who are low maintenance. i have friends who are flaky. i have friends with whom i can speak my mind, and i have friends with whom i feel i walk on eggshells. i have all different kinds of friends (and most of the time, they don't like each other much. but that's a whole different story).
maybe i find it to be a lot of work because i try too hard? this goes along with the people-pleasing thing and the "please like me" thing. but is it really that bad to make a conscious effort? i try to be the best girlfriend possible. i give him no reasons to get mad at me or break up with me. the one time i broke down and cried in front of him and told him what i was feeling and what i want, i must have said a million times, "i'm sorry i'm such an idiot. please forget this happened." i get him stuff, i do stuff for him, i put him first. and in other situations, i do it too. i make sure i do the dishes if they start getting bad and i keep the living room tidy. yet i worry anytime heather's door is closed. what if i did something wrong? truth is, she just likes to study with the door closed.
you know what the tricky thing is, it's knowing when to ask, "is something wrong?" because if you ask it too often, it just gets annoying. it's like asking your boyfriend every five seconds how the relationship is doing. i guarantee it will start doing badly in direct proportion to the frequency of your questions.
but what if you never ask and you live in a sea of happy oblivion? then someday your roommate is going to blow up at you and yell that she hates your friends, wishes you would mop sometimes, and on top of it all, you smell bad!!! (purely hypothetical. this has not and will not (i hope) happen to heather and i.)
but why is it that *i* am the over critical one worrying about all of this? does heather worry about pissing me off? i have no idea. does ned worry about how we're doing or if he's pushing me away? hell no.
i think i've strayed.
back to friendship...
why is it that feelings are so easily hurt? why is it that sometimes it feels like it's all a competition that you must always lose in order to make your friends happy? why is it that when you're falling apart inside you're still looked upon to be the "stable" one?
i don't know where i'm going. my mid is a jumble. i'm just worried about life.
i'm concerned about:
~will i be able to afford everything w/o working much?
~will i be able to get more loans?
~will i be able to fix and re-smog my car?
~will i get pulled over before my registration is renewed?
~will i graduate on time?
~will i get good grades?
~will i ever find true love?
~will i ever stop worrying like this?
this is sounding more and more depressed. i'm depressing myself more than i was before i started.
i hate to be such a downer, but if i'm gonna put on a happy face to the real world, i need to aim my sad face at the Internet. or, towards the binder paper i'm actually writing this on. this is unusual. i stopped writing my feelings down on paper a long time ago. i never kept a diary, really. i have one of those little cheesy pink ones with ballet shoes on the front and those dumb little locks. it's only half full and it covers like 4 years or something. diligent diarist i was.
my diary here started kinda like that. twice, actually. i had one back in the purple circles/orange stars days, but i overwrote it when i re-started. then, if you check my archives, i started out slowly with this one too. but now i write almost every day, for you, my little audience. it's what keeps it going.
i'm pretty sure i'm gonna type this up, pretty much word-for word. this is kinda long and not always coherent. if you made it this far, thank you for listening. say something to me. i don't know what i need or what words will comfort, but give it a shot ok? no matter the trouble sit may bring, i always need my friends.
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later, but still at school:
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ok, so i'm not a big astrological person. if a horoscope is around, i'll read it though. and here's one for me from today's issue of the aggie -- (bobbi jo and andrea/quinn, you might be interested too!) --
you will be feeling perplexed by the way you feel this week, even though the energy of life is supporting your endeavors. you're going to make some important decisions that will have a big influence on your year ahead. romance will be making an appearance. and you're ready for some fun!
i'm too tired to over-analyze it now, but it IS kinda spooky. i am perplexed, as is shown by this entry. hmmmmm.
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to sum up, i don't think i am quite as down right now as i was when i wrote this earlier today. but...... i'm still not back to my cheery self. sigh.
~holly~
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