i still love all of you
08/23/01 ~ 2:01 p.m.
there are 3 big ways with me to tell if there's something wrong:
1. i'm not talking
2. i'm crying or have cried
3. i'm biting my nails
well, i'm talking to people, and not crying, but you'll notice that the thumb nail on my right hand is bitten down pretty low and the rest of my right hand isn't far off. and i usually have relatively long nails. so something's wrong.
i feel a little weird about putting this in here cuz i know jenny reads this. but it's just what's going on right now.
brooke and i talked this morning about how it makes me feel that they are making plans to hang out without me specifically. and about how jenny is sick of me (or, rather, "needs space"). it just hurts. here's the email , with her comments first in blue and my responses under them, in white.
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(Are we having our first fight here????) =)
ok, first off, this is not a fight. i was trying to make you understand how i feel. i've known jenny for over 2 years now and i'm very possessive of her, i think.
I am guessing that you are the type of person who likes to see all your friends together at once, in a big group, the more the merrier...
yes. i do. that way no one is left out.
I am not sure if it is because I am an only child but though I love the group of us, my favorite thing is probably spending time one on one with a person, whether that is me and you, or me and Jenny, or me and Sandy, etc. Though I think just you, me and Jenny can have a lot of fun without the guys too.
i like one on one too, but that's usually when everyone else is busy. also- imagine you introduce me and Sandy. i decide i want her to be my new best friend. i get jealous when she calls you and not me. and i go hang out with her without you on a night you are free. and imagine robert is out of town and you have no one else. THAT was last night.
I have some issues myself when Jenny came back from France and everyone got to see her but me,
my thoughts on this is, i understand that you like her and all, but you've not known her that long and you've already taken such a claim on her. the ones of us that met her at the airport have known her for a long time.
and now with Heather you seem to have a very convenient friend who is in the same house, so I feel like you won't need me as much.
heather shouldn't enter into this. just because i live with her now doesn't mean she's pulling me away from jenny or you in any way. it's just that when i'm home, there's sometimes a friend there.
And while [ned] was here I felt like you didn't have time for me during that period too.
i felt like you didn't have time for me! the one with the new boyfriend, who ditched on our sunday plans? ned and i laid around watching movies and doing nothing. completely open to visitors. i would have loved to see you.
I know Jenny has her problems, I do too. Those that relate to her only-child upbringing I think I understand because that is the way I am too.
i hate that i get disregarded, like i can't understand just cuz i have brothers.
I want to be able to hang out with just you, or just Jenny; and have you hang out with just me, or just Heather (i don't understand why anyone would be upset i hang out with heather. i met her all on my own!), or just Jenny. And I want all of us to be okay with that.
i don't know if i'll ever be completely okay with that. because it will always feel like when you and jenny are together without me, specifically, when i have nothing to do and could be there too (like last night) that i am being left out.
in conclusion, the thing is the amount of time and the level of friendship. i believe it's taken me and jenny 2 years to get where we are at and you're taking it away from me from trying to be as close to jenny in a short amount of time. and i don't think that's fair. i didn't know this was going to happen when i introduced the two of you., that you were going to leave me in the dust. you always stress how much you are "twins" and ignore what i have in common with the two of you.
and do you ever stop to think that when i am left out of the two of you, i don't have a boyfriend to fall back on? i have nothing. my friends are my everything.
i'm hurting a lot right now. typing this did not make me feel better.
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brooke says she understands.
jenny still hasn't emailed me back.
i'm not trying to alienate you people! i'm just voicing what i feel and how i'm hurt instead of swallowing it up like usual!
i hope jenny still hangs out with me tonight. i love her and miss her and i think i should be talking about all of this to her too.
~holly~
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