ocean of emotions
02/10/03 ~ 2:14 p.m.
i want to be less emotional. i didn't used to be like this. i was a big rock when it came to emotions. i would go to AA meetings and talk about my dad and not even shed a tear.
now things get to me. or, i let them get to me. i cry over friendships. i cry if i think i've done something wrong in my relationship. i cry over financial things. i cry over bad grades. spilt milk? probably.
i broke down again last night. i want to be stronger. david keeps telling me i need to work on myself and try to become what *i* want myself to be, not what i think others want. stop trying to make everyone happy, and make me happy.
but if i'm not making everyone else happy, i'm not happy! i don't know how to do it. i'm so good at the while lies and the flattery. i'm so good at being everyone's best friend. i can't just turn to bitch. it won't work.
i know i don't have to become insta-bitch. but i also don't really know how to work on myself either. sounds like i need to hide in a hole and tell everyone to go away -- i'm "finding" myself. no, that's what i WANT to do... but i have to be strong. if part of what i want to be is stronger, then i have to do it.
how do i want to change myself?
1. i want to be stronger emotionally.
2. i want to be stronger physically.
3. i want to be able to hear criticism about myself and not care.
4. i want to be more relaxed and peaceful.
5. i want to be debt-free.
what am i going to do about it?
1. think things through and don't just start crying right away.
2. keep up with the workout videos and weights.
3. build more self confidence so that i know what they say isn't right.
4. keep up with yoga. breathe.
5. begin paying it off slowly after i graduate and start working full time.
this is going to take forever.
~holly~
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