i just don't know
01/31/03 ~ 10:40 a.m.
i don't know how to put what i'm feeling into words. i'm not a writer, and this is becoming painfully obvious to me right now. i write in the diary because it's fun, not because i have this burning need to write.
ok, so jenn* came over at 4:30. i was tired, had worked out, but was ready. it started off sorta shaky, where she told me what she was thinking. she told me about how i had hurt her a lot, many times, and she's never told me about them. i told her about how i felt taken advantage of, and used for my computer and money and all of that. and how i felt like she came over just because she was bored, not because she wanted to hang out with me.
then she gave me a card with the $400 she owed me. i was in shock; i didn't even want to take it, although i need it. i think it was so she could clear her mind and conscience... at first. but maybe looking deeper into it, it's a sign that we can start over and be friends.
i told her i saw us having a communication problem in our relationship. that we never say what's on our mind, for fear of hurting the other.
we both agreed that our lives are actaully fine without the other, so it's really a matter of, could our lives be better if we were friends?
in between the serious talks, we caught up on random aspects of our lives. i told her about ted & samantha. she told me about how she found out that her ex is getting married. it's that talking like that, the really connecting with her, that i miss.
i don't miss the drama. i don't miss feeling obligated to hang out with her or make sure she's happy. seriously, our friendship was like a relationship. we were like a couple. and it's like we broke up, and now we're slowly getting back together... even though all our friends are telling us not to.
i actually enjoyed her being there more than i thought i would. she stayed longer than either of us would have expected. we made dinner, we rented a movie, it was like old times. we laughed, we caught up, it was happy.
when she left, i felt unsettled. we have a long way to go. we have to re-create a friendship. we have to be more honest with each other. we have a lot of painful things to get through. and i don't know if i can handle it, or if it's worth it.
i got on the computer, and wasn't ready to write about it. i got in bed with all my clothes on, david held me, and i cried. silent cries that hurt so bad. i couldn't stop and i didn't exactly know why. i stopped for a bit, and then cried more.
i was questioning everything. i wanted to just crawl in a hole. i didn't want to see any of my friends.. in fact, i was like, what's the point? either you get really close and you get hurt, or you are just superficial friends. why put the effort into it? i could be a hermit.
"it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all."
is that true? i don't know. and so i cried.
david made me hot apple cider and tried to calm me down. he got me to lay down, and told me to sleep on it. that i'd be more sorted out in the morning. but i didn't dream about it, and i'm not really more sorted out.
i missed her, but i didn't know it. does this mean i will still miss her, or if we drift, will i forget about it again?
i'm confused. i don't know what to do. i only know a few things for sure:
1. i enjoyed having her there.
2. if we become friends again, it's going to be hard.
3. if we don't become friends, i think i'll be missing out.
i look at the advice from my friends. justin b.* thinks i shouldn't be friends again. amy* says, "I hope you guys work things out, she can be a lot of fun." janine* wasn't able to keep a friendship with her. krystal* was sad when we stopped talking. sammi* says, "I don't think she deserves your friendship. She's fun, don't get me wrong, but she was too self-involved in my opinion. However, if she's changed, take it slow, but don't give your trust and friendship to her right away." brooke* has never thought she was a good friend for me. david* doesn't have an opinion. he wants me happy, whatever that entails. he can be happy with or without jenn.
i guess we need to meet up again. we need to talk, seriously. we need to not be afraid of hurting each other because i think we need to get all the hurt out so we can have a clean slate. if we can't make it through the pain, then we can't have a friendship.
i need more advice, more love. sign my book if you have anything to say.
jenn, if you are reading this, i hope i put things into words accurately. i think i want to try. i really do. but this is really hard on me, maybe harder than you think. i think, is it worth it? i almost didn't write about how i felt, about crying for an hour, because i didn't want you to know that i broke down. but someone i can cry like that over, or crash my car over, for that matter, is important to me. and if they're that important, they should be worth it.
~holly~
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* check the cast page for details about this person!
