my character self-evaluation
09/05/01 ~ 9:33
there are always things on my mind that don't come across in this diary. especially when i think i shouldn't say anything. jenn told me not to talk about her anymore. i'm going to take that as not revealing the details of her life. so i have free reign on feelings i'm having about her.
i miss her. a lot. i've hurt her deeply, more than anyone else who has read my diary and knows me in real life. and i don't know what to do. i emailed her, and i was scared to send it because i didn't know if she wanted to hear from me. i still have all our pictures up, reminding me of happy days. we were almost inseparable for a period of about 6 months. we blossomed from just friends to best friends slowly and steadily and it's (or was) a pretty rock solid friendship. that's where i lie my hope in that someday things will be ok again.
everyone makes mistakes. my mistake this time actually lies deep within one of my character flaws: i have a deep intense need to be liked by everyone.
i should have started this ring--
-- instead i am a well deserving member of it. i was the 5th person to join even. see, i do know myself.
my main goal in life is to have no enemies. i am super nice to everyone so they will have no reason to dislike me. i get upset if people i don't like or people i don't know don't like me.
is that sick? probably. i shouldn't care what other people think. that's something i'd like to be able to do someday. one day at a time, i guess.
so anyways, in an attempt to make all of you loyal readers like me, i carelessly threw out details of someone else's life for entertainment value. even though she was a close and trusted friend. and that, readers, is pretty sick. but i thought i was safe -- she'd never find it. but she did, and that's when the shit hit the fan and i'm being faced to once again, acknowledge one of my biggest flaws.
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on a brighter note, today at work is going to be a better day. i am going to make it so. no more mistakes for me.
~holly~
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