trouble in paradise
03/09/03 ~ 12:50 p.m.
so i decide on a whim that i want to accompany david to his grandfather's wake this weekend instead of staying home alone all weekend. i throw my stuff in a backpack, don black clothes, notify his parents that i'm coming, and we're off.
on the drive down, we chat about deep, meaningful things like friendships, how we percive others and ourselves, etc. then david's cell phone rings -- it's david's mom, eva.
"hi. um, grandma wants this to be just for the family. so, i'm going to take you out to dinner and we can get to know you better. ok?"
i hang up and david asks, "how do you feel about that?" i reply, "like shit."
we're not sure exactly what the issue is. whether it's personal, or whether the event really is strictly the primary family... david's mom isn't going either.
to me, it feels like a personal insult. 'hi, you're not a part of the family yet, you can't accompany your boyfriend to his grandfather's funeral and comfort him.' i was quite upset and felt like shit for coming. i started crying and didn't want to see any of his family.
he tells me a little bit more about what the wake entails, and i find out at this point that it's nothing like a wake or a funeral or anything. i was picturing people making speeches, music and flowers, crying, and me comforting david. no. what is actually happening is -- the family is all going out to bakers square. what the fuck is that? like i needed to go to that anyways. so then i'm feeling stupid, and crying even more.
so we pull up to his parents' house and i stay in the car for a bit, trying to dry my eyes and whatnot. i really did not want to be there at the moment in time. talk about not belonging.
david comes back out and informs me that his parents are upset that i have been uninvited, that it was all the grandma's doing. she's ruling the roost now that her husband is gone, she's the last one of her generation. in fact, she's been acting odd about david's connection to the family, she doesn't acknowledge him as a male descent, she skips right to his 16 year old deliquent cousin. she seems to think he's removed himself from the family because he's been away at school. FOR 1 1/2 YEARS. he lived right there, next door to her, for 20 years. and now he's off GETTING AN EDUCATION, lady! so there's obviously some tension and family re-shuffling going on, and since david's place is in jeapordy, mine is nonexistant.
so his parents accost me with hugs and remind me a billion times how welcome i am. i listen to eva bitch about her mother-in-law for a while, politely nodding and whatnot, thinking, this better not be me. i don't want to be like her, bitching about my husband's family when i'm older. but the way things are heading, i don't see david's family in the most favorable light.
in fact, they are hard to be around. they all get irritated with each other, speak tersely, and insult each other. david's mom tried to pretend she's the best mother, wife, and cook in the world. david's dad talks loudly and tries to smooth things over. david's sister is just a bratty kid -- she acts much younger than the 14 years she is. she bitches about what food she wants, what music her mother won't let her listen to, and about how she's depressed. the irritaion level in the house is so high it raises mine. i get on edge if i'm around them too long. david doesn't even notice because it's been like that for so long. by the time we left, i was so emotionally and mentally worn, i just wanted to be alone.
i'm torn between not caring to be around them at all and the intense need to belong. i want to be a part of his life, all the way down to the family level. and i want them to recognize me as an important part of his. life. i'm here to stay. i think a part of me thought that through david i'd have a second shot at a tight family unit, since mine is so broken. i thought i'd aquire the sense of family i've never known. guess i was wrong.
i didn't see the grandma the whole time i was there. and i know that the next time i see her, it will be weird. ALL other sig. others were at this shindig except me. she specifically uninvited me. it's not like i'm NEW. she met me 6 months ago. and they didn't even MENTION the grandpa at the event. so whether or not i knew him (i'd met him twice) wouldn't have been an issue. the whole thing was just fucked up.
today, david and i talked about it more while we were driving around. he was showing me the towns around this area because this is where we are planning on moving at the end of the summer. but here i am, feeling like i DON'T want to move within 30 miles of his family, and he's showing me these shacks down wandy roads. we start aruging about the kind of house we'll want -- he's thinking i need a brand new model home, i'm seeing him being happy in a shack where cockroaches are running around. we're getting nowhere and i'm getting carsick.
then we head back to his friend's place, and we're checking out the town and the houses in it. i'm pointing out houses i could live in, and houses that are too rundown. we realize we agree... we like the same ones. then we realize that we like *this* town, not the other one were we looking at. this one is not too big, not too urbun, but not all small and down a one-lane windy road. what town you ask? it's called sebastopol <--- that's the home page for it, it's a pretty little town.
we even started talking about how we plan to move down here, rent a house for a few years, decide to get married in 3-5 years, and buy a house together then. i'm looking forward to being married and living in my own house. with all of our "kids" -- pets. no real-life children for us.
so now i'm in a better mood, happily surfing the net at his friend's house, pricing rentals and apartments in this area. he's playing his roleplaying game with 3 of his friends. (such a nerd! heh.)
now i'm going to read all my favorite diaries, check my message boards, and lay on teh couch and read a book. later i'm going to go for a walk/jog for some exercise, and pick up food for the guys. tonight, we go hoome so we can commence the last week of classes for this quarter! woo!
if you made it this far, you deserve a medal. also, i want to hear what you think about david's family, or just relationships with potential in-laws in general. write about it in the book.
toodles,
~holly~
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