the one where i let it all hang out
02/05/02 ~ 1:31 a.m.
no images are showing on d-land right now. should i be worried it's about to crash? i hope i don't lose my entry...
it's 1:35 am. this is an ungodly hour to me, even when i'm out with friends and having a good-ol time. but i've been in bed since 10. i can't sleep again. i read an entire novel, actually. but now i still can't sleep. i took a sudafed to make me drowsy, but no go. this is bad for my schooling. i slept through 2 classes this morning, cuz i couldn't sleep last night. even after i posted, i was online for a long, long time. i had to make up a story about setting my clock wrong to tell to my lab partner. truth is, i was groggy and exhausted. i slept till about 11:30.
here's another secret i haven't divulged to my reading public, and i'm not 100% sure i really want to, but i'm gonna go for it. i want to be honest, ya know? well... many of you may see me as being perky, horribly optimistic, smart, friendly, etc. (at least i hope you see me as some of those things!) and i am... or i try to be. but sometimes things just get too much and after breaking down crying a lot when i was working at polycomp, my coworkers convinced me to see a doctor.
depression runs in my family -- my mom is on medication, and there were 2 suicide attempts on her side of the family. during and after my parent's messy divorce (complete with alcoholism and adultery), i would occasionally have depressed days, but i would always pop out of them. my mom insisted i see a therapist or a doctor, i vehemently told her that i was fine. but this time, when my boss was telling me i needed help and i started crying while telling her i was fine, i knew it was time.
i saw a doctor and she gave me a checklist to complete. it was more than obvious i was displaying the signs. sleeplessness, feelings of worthlessness, lack of motivation, etcetera, etcetera. the doctor told me it was no wonder what with everything i'm going through -- suing my dad, paying for college, taking hard classes, living on my own for the first time, switching jobs, a long distance relationship, battling friends.... and, although i'm not proud of this fact at all, she started me on medication. i hate this... i feel like i'm weak and can't handle life on my own. i can't wait until i am stable enough to ween myself off of it. but it helps. it makes the day-to-day stuff easier, and i don't feel like i am teetering on the edge of tears every second.
the reason i am explaining all of this is because i almost feel as if i'm shouting out to all of you, "look at me! i'm one of america's depressed youth! i take pills! feel sorry for me!!!" but really, it's not how it is. don't feel sorry for me. don't think i'm cool now cuz i fit in with everyone else. i want you all to see that this is real and it can happen to anyone.
i'm not sad all the time. i don't walk around with a perpetual gray cloud over my head. that's not what depression is. it's much deeper than that.
sometimes i slip back into it, even now. i become more pensive, i worry about everything. the doctor warned me that what usually happens is hat after a little while, the drug effects hit a plateau, and the dosage needs to be increased. by the time of my follow-up, i was still fine. but i'm showing the signs again. my nails are bitten down to the quick, i've been suffering the sleeplessness/grogginess, i'm not motivated, and i'm overthinking everything. i finally (after about a week or two) gave in and listened to the signs, and i'm seeing my doctor tomorrow (well, later today...) and it shall get fixed.
but things as they are, i'm being over-pensive. let's take this whole adam thing as an example. there is nothing actually going on. i'm in stage 1 of a crush. maybe even stage .5! yet i am worrying about what will happen between ned and i. i worry about france. i worry about him dating other girls. i worry and i worry and i can't sleep. but this is silly. i still love ned. (not "in love", that's a different thing.) we're a type of best friends. i have his valentine's present, a framed picture of us, all wrapped up. i can't wait to see him in march. all adam is to me is a new acquaintance with whom i'd like to have a friendship. if the potential for a relationship is there, then i can take it as it comes right? i shouldn't be wasting my time worrying. ned would be happy for me, going out with a cool guy. i always say i have my eyes open, and that i'm not closing myself off to anything, and this is my chance to prove it.
i hate feeling like i need to explain myself. but the worst thing is, i'm not trying to convince all of you that it's ok. i'm trying to convince myself that it's ok.
that i'm ok.
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