i'm spread so thin..
10/09/01 ~ 9:13 a.m.
i don't know who i am...
monday night i'm makin' jen
tuesday night i'm makin' lyn
wednesday night i'm makin' catherine
oh, why can't i be makin' love come true?
i'm beat, beet red
ashamed of what i said
i'm sorry, here i go
i know i'm a sinner
but i can't say no....
~ weezer ~ tired of sex ~
ok, i know this is a "diary" and i should be saying what's on my mind. but lately, i feel like i've been filling this thing with terrible, pessimistic, sad stories that sound like i have no hope. and i hate that. i *am* going through a bad patch, and having a difficult time with everyday life and such, but i don't mean to sound all whiny and crabby. in fact, even though stuff sucks, i try to maintain a cheerful undertone.
as in, i spent last night doing homework i didn't understand after getting help from a korean TA that i didn't understand. i was stressed. i gave it my best shot and turned it in and i still have no idea what i was supposed to have learned or what the teacher expects. i am scared to death to go see the professor, because he will undoubtedly laugh in my face and say, "you dumb transfer student. you don't belong in my class. you belong working at taco bell." this class makes me feel dumb. i hate that. i like to feel smart and ahead of the game. the only thing that made me feel better last night was the fact that 15 other students were listening to the korean guy talk and were just as blank-faced as me. hopefully there's a curve. a BIG one.
i got up at 5:45 this morning, showered, etc., and got to work at 7. surprisingly, i am not overly tired, and i'm in a pretty upbeat mood. despite the fact that i have to call my mom's attorney and figure out what the hell i am going to do about my missing dad. plus i have 100 more pages to read for history on my lunch break and a paper to write on the reading tonight. and i have an interview for a job in davis being an anthropology professor's assistant. she needs me to bring examples of my essay-writing skills AND go to the financial aid office and find out what i can about work study. i don't know how that works or if i end up getting paid well. *sigh*. but a job in davis would make things so much easier right now.
i'm going crazy but i am still in a good mood. how is that possible?
i rule.
~holly~
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